Business Trip
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker, along with Two-Face, goes on a business trip to Las Vegas, leaving Harley to try to emotionally cope with his absence. Needless to say, she doesn't cope very well. Thanks to animalfries12 for the book suggestions :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Business Trip**

"Are you sure I can't come with you, puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn as she packed the Joker's suitcase for him. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV and eating bowl of ice cream, and he didn't respond to her question, except to throw a letter at her.

"You can read – what's it say?" he retorted.

"Rupert Thorne extends an all-expenses paid invitation to the Joker and Two-Face to visit him at his resort in Las Vegas to discuss business arrangements of a lucrative and confidential nature," read Harley. Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Huh. Wonder why you two."

"Obvious, isn't it?" retorted Joker. "He wants to discuss bumping off the Bat. Old Batsy's been hitting his businesses hard over the last few months, and I think he's finally had enough. He knows I'm the only guy who can match Batsy, and if I fail, he wants Two-Face for back up. He thinks we're the two most likely to succeed in that endeavor. I'd be flattered really, if Thorne wasn't such a creep. He's gonna be real disappointed when he's paid for us both to come out and enjoy ourselves at his expense, and then tell him no dice. As if I would ever kill Batsy for something as stupid as money! He'll only die when I've thought up the perfect joke for his demise, not because some fat rich guy wants to pay me to be pest control."

"So why are you going if you're just gonna refuse him?" asked Harley, puzzled. "Why don't you just call him and say no and save going all that way?"

He stared at her. "You nuts? It's a free trip to Vegas! I really would be crazy to pass that up, baby! That's a great town – guy can have all kinds of fun there without some self-righteous Bat-tool interfering. Besides, I wanna see the look on Thorne's face when I refuse him point blank. I'm laughing already just thinking about it!" he chuckled. "Aw, what a gag!"

He gradually stopped laughing and continued, "But see, the invite's only for me and Two-Face. Didn't say anything about Harley Quinn. You can't just invite yourself along – that would be really bad manners. I may be crazy, but I'm not rude!"

"But maybe it was implied that I was invited," said Harley. "Maybe by inviting you, he assumed I'd come too, because we're a couple, y'know…"

"So that means we're joined at the hip, does it?" demanded Joker, angrily. "Can't have one without the other, is that your idea of being a couple? Well, Batman and Robin are a couple, but they don't go everywhere together! And when you want both of them, you invite Batman and Robin, you don't just invite Batman and assume he'll drag the kid along with him! Jesus, Harley, what sort of relationship do you think this is? Siamese twins?"

"I just thought…being your partner…" began Harley.

"Being my what?" he repeated, standing up and whirling around to face her furiously.

"I mean…being your…um…girlfriend...lover…sidekick…whatever's not gonna get me punched in the face…" stammered Harley, backing away from him as he slowly approached her.

He nodded. "Sidekick is good. Henchwench is better. But the invitation didn't mention either of those things. It very specifically said the Joker and Two-Face. You are neither the Joker, nor Two-Face, so you can't come along. Now just finish packing my suitcase and shut up. I'm trying to watch the Marx Brothers."

He sat back down and returned to his ice cream. Harley returned to packing, delicately folding his suit into the case. "You know how long you're gonna be gone?" she asked gently. "Just so I can pack enough clean underwear for ya…"

"Dunno. Could be a few days, could be a few weeks. Just pack whatever you think – I'm sure there'll be a maid service to do the laundry."

"A few…weeks?" stammered Harley, turning to look at him in horror. "But…but I'll miss you, puddin'! I dunno if I can last a few weeks without you…"

"Aw, sure you can, you dumb broad, don't be ridiculous," he snapped. "You gotta do it all the time when we get dragged off to Arkham separately by the Bat…"

"Well, yeah, but I got friends in Arkham," said Harley. "I got Red and…"

"So invite Pammie round. Have a nice girly get-together. Have a sleepover, do your nails, talk about cute boys. But if you're gonna have a pillow fight, be sure to film it so Daddy can watch it later," he chuckled.

"It ain't the same, Mr. J," sighed Harley. "I like Red and all, her friendship's real important to me, and I value it a lot, but even when I'm with her, I'm always missing you. Nothing feels right when you're not here. It's like my world don't make sense. You're the only person on earth who can make me truly happy, and when you ain't here…well, I ain't smiling, Mr. J."

There were tears in her eyes and she wiped them away as she continued to pack. He looked at her and then stood up, coming over to her and hugging her gently. "You're a sweet kid, Harl," he murmured.

"Yeah?" she said, beaming up at him.

"Yeah," he murmured, grinning. "A sweet, stupid, silly little baby. Now just grow up and act like an adult, will ya?" he snapped, shoving her away from him. "I'm sure you'll be able to cope fine without me for a little while. You were a doctor, for Christ's sake! If you can work your way through medical school, you can deal with living on your own for a few weeks!"

"I _can_ do it, I'm just trying to let you know that it's gonna hurt, puddin'!" she cried.

"So? You love pain! Just deal with it!" he snapped. "And what kind of selfish little brat are you, trying to make me feel guilty for going away on business?!"

"It ain't business!" she retorted. "You already said you ain't gonna accept the offer! And I don't trust you and Harvey together in Vegas! There are all kinds of loose women running around! What if they get the wrong idea because I'm not there? What if they think you're single? What if they try to proposition you?"

She burst into tears. "Aw, please, Mr. J, you gotta let me come! You just gotta!" she cried, tugging his arm. "I'll be really good and quiet and stay outta the way, but you just gotta! Please, please, please, pretty please with sugar on top?"

"Harley, I don't need you around to save me from loose women!" snapped Joker. "I'm perfectly capable of handling them on my own!"

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, you big jerk!" snapped Harley.

He chuckled. "Nice gag, toots," he murmured. "Now Harley, stop acting like a silly little baby, hmm?" he said, tilting her chin up to him. "Daddy will only be gone a little while, you can call him whenever you want, and maybe if you're very good while he's away, he'll bring you back a little present from Vegas. How does that sound?"

"I don't want anything but you, Mr. J," she whispered. "That's the only thing I want in the world."

"Really? Nothing else?" he asked.

She thought. "Well…maybe a big sparkly diamond necklace, if you can find one. Or any kinda shiny jewelry, really. Oooh, or maybe one of those cute little sequin dresses with the sparkly hats and a feather boa…"

"Yeah, yeah, write a list or something, will ya, Harl?" he interrupted, returning to the TV. "But finish packing first. And don't forget my toothbrush."

Harley's display of over-emotion only increased once they reached the airport. Everyone in the terminal stopped what they were doing and stared at her as she clutched the Joker's knees, sobbing hysterically. Joker looked around and waved at them all with a forced smile. "Harley, just get up!" he said through gritted teeth. "You're embarrassing everyone!"

"But I'm gonna miss you so much, puddin'!" she sobbed.

"J, Thorne's jet's here, we gotta go," said Two-Face, hurrying through the gate.

"I'll be right there, Harv!" said Joker, cheerfully. "Now, Harley, c'mon, be a brave girl," he said, hauling her to her feet. "You have my number, so just call me when you miss me, and I'll try to turn that frown upside down!"

"You mean it, Mr. J?" she asked. "I can call you whenever I start to miss you?"

He paused. "Well, within reason," he replied.

"What's that mean? Once every hour? Half hour?" pressed Harley.

"More like once every couple of days," he said.

"Couple days?" she repeated, horrified.

"Look, baby, I don't have time for this," he snapped. "I got a plane to catch. Just try to be strong, for my sake, ok? I have faith in you, pumpkin. You can do this."

She nodded firmly, wiping her eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Mr. J. I can do this. For you."

"That's my girl," he said, kissing her. "See you soon, cupcake."

"Mr. J!" she called desperately as he headed for the gate.

"What?" he asked, turning back.

"I packed you seven days worth of clean underwear. I hope that'll be enough. If you're planning on staying any longer than a week, be sure to get the maid to do your laundry. Or I can buy you some new boxers and send them…"

"I'm sure I can figure it out, Harley!" he snapped. "Goodbye!"

"Mr. J!" she shrieked again.

"What?" he demanded, furiously.

"I…I love you," she whispered.

"I know that!" he snapped. "Jesus Christ, Harley, you've said it a million times! I get the picture!"

"Well, I wanna make sure that if the plane crashes or something, my last words to you are meaningful, rather than a discussion about your underwear!" snapped Harley.

"The plane ain't gonna crash!"

"I don't know that, do I?" she demanded. "Accidents happen!"

"J, we gotta go!" shouted Two-Face.

"I'm trying, believe me, Harvey!" he yelled. "If the plane does crash, Harley, I'll be incredibly grateful, because at least it'll get me away from the clinging, nagging, annoying, worthless waste of space you are!" he shouted. "Now I'll see you when I get back! Goodbye!"

"Yeah, good riddance, you big jerk!" shrieked Harley.

She turned and stormed off, and then suddenly raced back to the gate just as Joker re-emerged from it, and sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin into the air. As people screamed and panicked, Harley smiled and leapt into his arms, kissing him ardently.

"Knew you couldn't go without a gag, Mr. J," she breathed.

"Yep. And you know my motto, kid. Leave 'em laughing!" he chuckled, as the dying laughter of the people infected with the gas echoed him.

Harley beamed and kissed him again. "See you later, you useless brat," he murmured.

She grinned. "I love you too, Mr. J."

She watched him disappear through the gate and blew him a kiss, gazing at him tenderly until he was out of sight. Then she turned away with a mournful sigh. "I miss him already," she murmured.


	2. Chapter 2

"A guy could get used to traveling like this," commented Two-Face, leaning back in the spacious chair with a sigh.

"Oh yeah, if I did much traveling, I'd only do it first class," agreed Joker. "But I can't be away from Gotham too much – the Bat would get bored without me. Can't do that to the guy, leaving him alone without a proper nemesis to fight. I may be evil, but that's just plain mean."

"The Bat's got a lot of enemies," retorted Two-Face. "I'm sure he'll have plenty to keep him occupied if you go away."

Joker chuckled. "Aw, you just don't understand us, Harv! We got a special relationship – no one can replace me. I like to think that when he gets hints of a Joker crime going down, he gets secretly excited about it. Like he looks forward to my crimes more than anyone else's."

"I don't get the feeling Batman looks forward to crimes," retorted Two-Face.

"Then you really don't know the guy at all, do ya?" chuckled Joker. "Oh sure, he talks big about justice and honor and how he's Gotham's protector and all, but he really just enjoys the thrill of the fight, same as the rest of us. Why else do you think he doesn't kill people? So they keep coming back to challenge him again and again. He likes it. But some guys can't admit they're sadists, so they hide it under a self-righteous mask. Or, in Batsy's case, a bat mask," he laughed.

"I think you're giving him more credit than he deserves," replied Two-Face. "The guy's clearly just an idealistic idiot who hasn't woken up and seen the world as it really is. I know how he feels – I was like that once. I believed in things, and I fought for stuff. But the truth is that life is all luck and chance and fate. And you can't fight that bitch."

"Maybe _you_ can't, Harvey," said Joker, smiling. "But I have no problem with slapping around a woman."

His phone rang at that moment, a familiar theme tune. "Speaking of women who deserve to be slapped around," he muttered, answering it. "Pumpkin pie, this is a surprise! I've only been in the air fifteen minutes!"

"And it's been the longest fifteen minutes of my life, puddin'," said Harley, in a shaking voice. "I miss you so much already, you wouldn't believe it."

"No, I probably wouldn't," he replied. "Did you call me just to tell me that, or was there an actual reason?"

"Oh yeah, I just remembered that I forgot to pack your toothbrush," she replied. "And I know how important it is for you to clean your teeth so you can have a nice big smile, so maybe you should ask the pilot to turn the plane around so you can come back home and…"

"I'm sure they have toothbrushes in Vegas, Harley," interrupted Joker. "I'll just buy one there. Was there anything else?" he asked, putting the phone on speaker and resting it on the arm of the chair as the stewardess brought martinis and cigars for both him and Two-Face.

"No. Just that I miss you."

"Yeah, I know, sweets. But it'll get better, I'm sure. Why don't you find a way to distract yourself? Watch a movie or read a book or something," he said, picking out the olive from his martini and popping it into his mouth.

"Ok. It was kinda stupid of me to forget to pack your toothbrush after you reminded me specially and all, huh, Mr. J?"

"Well, I'm used to you being stupid, pooh. It's kinda your natural state," he said.

"Yeah. Still, I deserve to be punished for it, don't I? Maybe you'll wanna spank me hard when you get back? Maybe you'll wanna put me across your knee and use the rubber chicken to beat…"

"You're on speaker, baby," interrupted Joker.

"Use the rubber chicken to beat the dust from the carpet the next time we gotta do spring cleaning," finished Harley hastily. "The vacuum cleaner never does the job properly. Well, I gotta go, puddin'. I'll speak to you soon. Love you! Buh bye!"

Joker chuckled, replacing the phone in his pocket. "Ah, she's a good kid."

"She's a nutjob," muttered Two-Face. "Frankly I don't like that level of suffocation in a relationship."

"No? Ain't a fan of erotic asphyxiation, huh, Harv?" chuckled Joker. "Well, different strokes for different folks. Though I gotta admit, it will be nice to shake the noose and loosen the old collar a little in Vegas," he said, undoing his bowtie.

"Oh yeah, I think I'll take a page outta your book, J, and have some fun," said Two-Face. "Fortunately I brought more than just my one coin to pay the ladies with," he said, taking out his coin and flipping it.

"I'll give you the words 'head' and 'tail' in that context, and you can do your own joke," chuckled Joker. "Anyway, I thought this trip was all-expenses paid."

"And how are we gonna claim that back from Thorne, exactly?" asked Two-Face.

"Business perks," retorted Joker, grinning. "I certainly expect a gambling allowance from him. I look forward to blowing most of his fortune in some casino or other. Although I'm a fairly capable card player. Always got an ace up my sleeve," he chuckled, flipping an ace card out of his sleeve into his hand.

"You'll get your hands cut off in Vegas for that kinda behavior," retorted Two-Face.

Joker laughed. "They can try, Harvey," he chuckled. "They can try."

"You know why Thorne's doing this?" asked Two-Face, flipping his coin idly.

"Yeah. Bats."

"Yeah. I'll have to flip a coin for it, of course, but if it says no...what do you think he's gonna do? Just let us walk outta there?"

"Nope," said Joker, grinning and withdrawing his gun. "That's when we're gonna get to have some real fun, Harv. And with no Bat to interfere in Vegas, I'm hoping for a real blood-bath. It'll be just the thing to help me relax."

He lit his cigar and laughed. "Violent vacations are the best kind of vacations," he said, smiling. "Loads of fun. I can't wait."


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn sat on the sofa with her knees drawn up to her chest, staring at the wall and listening to the minutes tick by on the clock. Mr. J had been gone a whole day, and she was going out of her mind, although perhaps in her case that was a contradiction in terms.

She had tried to distract herself from his absence, but literally everything she tried reminded her of Mr. J. She had turned on the TV to watch the news, which was reporting an explosion in an apartment complex, killing two-hundred people and wounding several hundred others. Harley sighed as they flashed footage of the wounded bomb victims across the screen. "Aw, Mr. J would have laughed at that!" she sighed mournfully, to no one in particular.

She had flipped to a movie channel, but they were showing an adaptation of _Romeo and Juliet_, and about five minutes through the balcony scene, Harley got teary and had to turn it off. "It's just like me and Mr. J!" she sobbed. "Cept we ain't teenagers. And we don't live in Italy. And we don't talk funny like they do. And I hope we ain't gonna die tragically. But y'know, they love each other just like we do!"

She had tried reading a book, but the book she was halfway through was_ It_ by Stephen King, and what with the homicidal clown and all, it was bound to upset her. Harley began sobbing halfway through one of Pennywise's murderous rampages. "Mr. J likes to terrorize and mutilate kids too!" she cried, slamming the book shut and throwing it across the room. "And he's…more funny! And I miss him!"

She seized the telephone in desperation and dialled his number. It rang several agonizing times, and Harley felt fear in the pit of her stomach that he might not pick up. Fear that was instantly turned to relief and joy when she heard his voice say, lazily, "Hello?"

"Hi, puddin'!" she squeaked. "How's Vegas?"

"Oh, it's…oooh yeah, that's it! Oh, right there, baby! Oh yeah, harder, right there! Oooh, wow, you're good!"

"Mr…J?" stammered Harley. "You ok?"

"Oh yeah, cupcake, never felt better! I'm just getting the most incredible massage…oh, Jesus Christ! I didn't even know I had muscle there, let alone that it was tense! Holy crap, you're amazing! How much would it cost to take you back to Gotham and just have you do me when I get stressed? I get stressed a lot with my little Bat problem which you may have heard abou...oh…baby, harder! Oh yes!"

Harley listened to him making noises of pleasure for about five seconds before she said, "Um…puddin'…when you say you're getting an incredible massage…you do mean a massage, right? You're not…um…"

"Harley, why would I pick up the phone to you if I was having sex with another woman?" he snapped.

"I dunno – you might think it was funny or something!" she snapped.

"It might be, initially, but the consequences of that probably wouldn't be funny at all," retorted Joker. "Anyway, it's a man. Eduardo. Though he should be called Jesus because he's a goddamn miracle worker!"

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" demanded Harley.

"Yeah, you dumb blonde, because you know I don't swing that way!" he snapped. "Although frankly, Eduardo, if you want sexual favors in exchange for this, I'm fine with that. It's totally worth it. Oh. He's not gay either, Harley. Y'know, Eduardo, I do have a girlfriend if you'd be interested in trading a little time with her for free massages…"

"Mr. J! Don't pimp me out to your masseuse!" snapped Harley, furiously.

"Oh, it's just a joke, pumpkin!" he snapped. "Lighten up!" He looked up at Eduardo and mouthed, "It's not a joke – we'll talk!"

"Why the foul mood anyway?" he asked, returning to the conversation with Harley. "You not been sleeping or something?"

"No, of course I ain't been sleeping!" she snapped. "How do you expect me to sleep without you here?! The bed's so big and cold and empty…"

"Yeah, yeah, it must be real hard for you to cope, baby," interrupted Joker. "Have you been to see the Weed Lady yet? Talking to her might be just the thing – you know she's always trying to find ways to get your mind off me."

"Yeah, and it's never worked before, Mr. J," replied Harley, sadly.

"Well, give her another try – what have you got to lose?" he asked. "Certainly not your mind. You lost that a long time ago. Now c'mon, cupcake, keep that cute little baby chin up. For me, hmm?"

"Ok, Mr. J," said Harley firmly, in resolution.

"That's my girl! I love you, pumpkin pie."

"I love you too, puddin'," she sighed. She hung up the phone and then headed out of the hideout and into her car. Poison Ivy wasn't expecting her, but Harley was sure she wouldn't mind her dropping by unannounced. It certainly wasn't the first time she had done it.

She arrived at her hideout and knocked on the door. A few moments later, Poison Ivy opened it. "Harley," she said, surprised. "What are you doing here? J hasn't kicked you out again, has he?"

"Nah, he's gone to Vegas on business," sighed Harley. "And I just really need to talk to a friend, Red. And you're the best friend I've got."

"Oh…that's really sweet, Harley, and I'm flattered and all," said Ivy, slowly. "But I've kinda…got company at the moment."

"Oh, that's ok, Red, I don't mind them listening too," said Harley. "I don't wanna talk about anything too private."

"No, no, Harley, you don't understand," said Ivy. "Company," she repeated, pointedly. "Get it?"

Harley stared blankly back at her. "No. And I really, really need a friend right now, Red. A friend in need is a friend indeed, y'know and I just can't…I can't go back home alone!" she sobbed, throwing herself into Ivy's arms and bursting into tears.

Ivy sighed. "Ok, c'mon in," she muttered, leading her into the living room. "Um…Harley, this is Nathan. Nathan, Harley," she said, gesturing to the handsome, well-dressed young man seated on her sofa.

"Pleased…to meetcha," sobbed Harley, extending one hand while wiping away tears with the other.

"Pleased to meet you too," said Nathan slowly, shaking her hand. "Um…is she here for the book club, Pamela?"

"Book club?" repeated Harley, turning to Ivy. "You didn't tell me you joined a book club, Red!"

"Yes, Harley, I have," replied Ivy. "I met Nathan a couple weeks ago in a café and he told me all about this book club he hosts, and you know how I love reading."

"Really? But I ain't never seen you…" began Harley, but she understood the look Ivy gave her and shut her mouth.

"And so I invited Nathan to host his next book club here," continued Ivy. "But unfortunately it seems to be just me and him at the moment. I can't imagine where the others could be. I'm sure I gave everyone the exact same directions."

"Well, maybe we can just get started without them," said Nathan. "I'm sure they'll join us later."

"Oh yes, I'm sure they will," agreed Ivy, slipping back down on the sofa next to him and smiling.

"What book you been reading?" asked Harley, sitting down across from them.

"It's called _Their Eyes Were Watching God_. Did you enjoy it, Pamela?" asked Nathan.

"Oh yes, Nathan, I really did," replied Ivy, smiling at him.

"What's it about?" asked Harley. "Never thought you'd be a big fan of religious books, Red."

"It's not about religion," replied Nathan. "Very basically, it's about a young woman and her relationships with the three men in her life. The first man she's married to sees her merely as a domestic helper, and forces her to endure hard labor…"

"Just like Mr. J!" sobbed Harley, bursting into tears again.

"Just like…who?" asked Nathan, puzzled.

"Never mind, Nathan, just ignore her," said Ivy.

"So she runs off with another man, who ends up treating her as an object to make him look better, a kind of trophy who just has to stand by him and look pretty, with no free will of her own…"

"Just like Mr. J!" cried Harley again.

"Which drives her to run off with the third man, whom she truly loves, and who truly loves her, until he suffers an accident which drives him crazy, and he tries to kill her…"

"Just like…Mr. J!" sobbed Harley, breaking down completely and falling to the ground. She lay there crying until Ivy sighed heavily and hauled her to her feet.

"Nathan, I'll be back in a minute, don't go anywhere," she said, smiling as she led Harley away. She stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door, snapping, "What the hell is wrong with you?! Can't you see that I'm trying to work here?!"

"S…sorry, Red, I just…miss him so much!" Harley cried. "And everything reminds me of him, and how much I miss him, and need him, and love him, and…oh, Red!" she sobbed, throwing herself into her arms.

"Look, Harley, now is not a good time for you to have an emotional breakdown!" hissed Ivy. "I am trying to seduce the man in the other room, and you are not going to prevent me doing that! Either get ahold of yourself and go home, or, if that's bad, just follow the damn clown to Vegas!"

Harley stared at her. "Follow…him?" she repeated. "But…but I ain't been invited, Red!"

"You don't need to be invited – you're a free and independent young woman with money, and you can go wherever you want," retorted Ivy. "If that just happens to be the same city your boyfriend is visiting at the same time, call it a lucky coincidence. And if you just happen to bump into him there, call it random chance. Just as long as it helps you cope and gets you out of my hair, call it whatever you want. Now just go!"

She shoved her out of the hideout, slamming the door after her. Harley stared at it for a few moments, and then nodded slowly. "Yeah. You're right, Red. It'll all be a lucky coincidence."

And she hurried home to pack.


	4. Chapter 4

"If Thorne's offer is to give me Eduardo in exchange for killing the Bat, it's a done deal," sighed Joker, as he entered the suite wearing a bathrobe and drinking a glass of lemonade. "I never thought I'd ever say this in relation to any man aside from Batsy, but he does things to my body that results in the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known. He's made feel twenty years younger, I swear to God."

"It's great that you've finally come outta the closet, J, but I dunno why I've gotta be the first one to hear about it," growled Two-Face, flipping the channels on the TV.

Joker chuckled. "Even if I had suddenly decided to bat for the other team, I got a doll at home who would beat me with a bat until I changed my sexual orientation back," he said, grinning. "And frankly, that would do it. Speaking of which, I wonder why she hasn't called," he said, glancing at his phone and frowning.

"You missing her nagging?" asked Two-Face.

"No, it's just unusual, that's all," he retorted. "Worrying, frankly, because it can only mean that she's dead, or that something bad is happening to her."

"Or, in all likelihood, Pammie's confiscated her phone in some futile, crash course attempt to make her get over you," muttered Two-Face. "That would be just the bitch's style. Go cold turkey and cut off all contact. She likes to make clean breaks, just like she does with a guy's heart. Takes it, snaps it in two, and then shoves the pieces down your throat."

"Not that you're the kinda guy who bears a grudge," chuckled Joker.

"I don't do anything except what the coin tells me," Two-Face snapped. He stood up, turning off the TV and stretching. "So, you wanna head to a strip club or something?" he asked.

Joker yawned. "Boring, Harvey. There's gotta be something more fun to do around here – this is Vegas, after all! I wanna check out the casinos personally. Try my luck at a few hands of cards. Or try my hands against luck, I suppose!" he laughed.

"I ain't really that comfortable with gambling, J," retorted Two-Face. "It's really difficult for me…"

"What do you mean it's difficult for you?" asked Joker. "It's gambling! You do it all the time with the coin!"

"No, that's something with fifty-fifty odds," retorted Two-Face. "When it's anything more than fifty-fifty, it gets a little…complicated."

"What do you mean complicated?" asked Joker.

"Just…I'd rather go to a strip club, J," he said.

"Well, I'd rather hit the casino," retorted Joker. "I can see a dame take off her clothes anytime I want. Spoiler alert: they're all pretty much the same underneath. Cards is always new and exciting and unpredictable. But you can go hang out with the girls if you ain't man enough to take the game," he said, heading for his room to get changed.

Two-Face stared after him. "Only J could make playing cards seem more manly than watching strippers," he muttered, reaching for his wallet. "But then he is crazy."

Joker very quickly learned what Two-Face had meant when he said that gambling was difficult for him. They had made the mistake of starting with the roulette wheel, and Two-Face had to consult the coin for literally every possible number before he bet on it. Joker leaned with the other onlookers against the table, watching in boredom as Two-Face very methodically flipped the coin for each and every number. "Y'know, I'm starting to think strippers might have been the more interesting option," he muttered, stifling a yawn.

About half an hour later, Two-Face was ready to spin the roulette wheel, and none of the numbers he bet on came up. "Yeah, you're right about luck being a real bitch, Harv," said Joker, shoving him away from the roulette wheel and toward the slot machines. "But look, here's a thing that just involves coins and pulling a lever! You can do that, right? Right. I'll leave you there – just gonna check out the blackjack!"

The Joker was very good at blackjack, mostly because the aces up his sleeves ensured that twenty-one was his usual result. He attracted the attention of several onlookers, not only because he was the Joker, but because he seemed to be on an unbreakable winning streak, which the dealer was clearly incredibly annoyed about.

"Bad night for the house, ain't it?" chuckled Joker, lighting a cigar. "Well, what can I say? I'm a lucky guy! And it's hard to win with a Joker in the deck, am I right?" He picked up his cards and grinned. "Hit me."

"Love to," muttered the dealer, tossing a card at him.

"Yeah, get in line, chump," retorted Joker, puffing on his cigar as he slipped the card up his sleeve and flicked out the ace. He beamed. "I do believe it's blackjack again!" he cried, throwing down the cards.

There was a murmur of admiration from the surrounding onlookers. "Wow, Mr. Joker, you're real lucky," breathed an attractive woman standing next to him. "Wanna get even more lucky tonight?"

Joker chuckled. "Nice gag, sweets. And I'm flattered but spoken for. Got a girlfriend, y'know."

"Yeah, but she ain't here," murmured the woman. "And you know the saying: what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."

"Tell that to all the guys who have caught STDs here!" laughed Joker. "No disrespect to you, sweetheart, don't mean to imply that you have anything like that."

"I don't. Clean as a whistle. And speaking of whistles, you want me to blow a little on yours?" she whispered, sliding a hand onto his belt.

"Sweetheart, I admire your determination, but hands to yourself, ok?" he retorted, pushing her hand away. "Joke's got old, and you'll wanna drop it now before it stops being funny."

"I know something else I wanna drop, Mr. Joker," she breathed, reaching for him again.

Without another word, he withdrew his gun and shot her in the face. "Hey, it was sexual harrassment!" he snapped as everyone started screaming. "I got a zero tolerance policy for that!"

"J, what the hell did you do?!" demanded Two-Face, rushing over to him as the casino bouncers descended on them.

"Take it easy, boys, you'll crease the suit!" snapped Joker, as the bouncers grabbed him and dragged him and Two-Face into the owner's office.

The owner of the casino, a large, balding man, stared at them as the door shut, lighting a cigar. "Well, if it isn't the Joker and Two-Face, patronizing my humble casino," he muttered. "What's Gotham scum like you doing here?"

"Got a personal invite from Rupert Thorne, not that's it any of your business," snapped Two-Face. "You wanna take it up with him if you got problems."

"No, I wanna take it up with you," retorted the owner, puffing on his cigar. "You both probably think you're pretty big fish in Gotham. But frankly here you're just two more paying customers, same as everyone else. And if you think you can go around doing the kinda crap you do in that hellhole, you got another think coming."

"Oh, big words, big man," retorted Joker. "And I do mean that literally!" he chuckled. "But nobody tells me what to do. Maybe you ain't really heard about the Joker, but I'm kinda the most dangerous criminal lunatic in the world. I wouldn't mess with me if I were you."

The owner exhaled smoke. "Nobody's dangerous if they're dead," he muttered. "And you will be, if you speak to me like that again."

He snapped his fingers and one of the bouncers withdrew a gun, holding it against the Joker's head. "Now in this town, there ain't no Batman to stop the killing, so I'd listen to me if I were you," murmured the owner. "You're lucky that the death of a hooker here ain't a crime worthy of capital punishment."

He snapped his fingers again, and the other bouncer seized Joker's arm, reaching up his sleeve and pulling out several aces. The owner smiled grimly. "But cheating at cards, that is. Mac, kill him."

The bouncer tightened his finger on the trigger. Joker suddenly slammed his skull into the barrel of the gun, knocking it from his hands. He flipped the other bouncer over his shoulder, and then sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin into the room. "Run, Harvey!" he shouted, kicking open the door and racing out into the casino.

They were chased by more bouncers as they rushed down the several floors and out into the night. "J, in here!" shouted Two-Face, seizing his arm and dragging him into an alley. They saw the back door of a building and slipped inside as the bouncers passed them by. They both let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, great job, J!" snapped Two-Face, furiously. "There's probably a price on our heads now, and half of Vegas will be after us! And we ain't the most inconspicuous of guys!"

"Aw, you never appreciate the good things in life, even when you're in the middle of them, do ya, Harv?" chuckled Joker.

"Good?" repeated Two-Face. "How can this situation possibly be good?!"

"Well, look around," retorted Joker. Two-Face did, and realized they had ducked inside a strip club. "Thought you wanted to go to one of these!" chuckled Joker. "Y'see? Keep a positive attitude and everything works out for the best!"

"J! I ain't really in the mood for pleasure!" he snapped.

"No, but that's what these ladies are here for," giggled Joker, as a few women approached them. "To get you in the mood."

Two of them cuddled next to Two-Face and after glaring at Joker a few more seconds, he snapped, "We'll talk about this later," and headed off with the women to the bar.

"Yeah, go have fun, Harvey!" laughed Joker. "He's so tightly wound – really needs to loosen up," he chuckled, taking a seat at a table.

"Wanna buy a gal a drink, handsome?" asked another woman, smiling at him.

"Here's a twenty, toots, go buy one for yourself," he replied, handing her a bill. "And bring me back a scotch on the rocks."

She shrugged and headed for the bar, leaving Joker alone at the table. He pulled out his phone, expecting a missed call from Harley, but there wasn't anything. "Lucky I ain't an insecure guy, or I'd begin to worry she'd lost interest," he muttered, shoving the phone back into his pocket irritably.

The woman returned with the drink and he chinked the glass, downing it in one gulp. "So you're a woman, sweets," he said.

"Um…yeah," she replied slowly. "I thought that would be obvious…"

"Oh yeah, it wasn't a question," he interrupted. "I can tell those are real, don't you worry," he said, nodding at her prominently displayed chest. "It was the prelude to a question. You're a woman. Now suppose you were a woman in a steady, long-term relationship with this guy. You ain't in a steady, long-term relationship with a guy, are ya?"

"Um…no," she replied. "No. I was, but…he couldn't deal with my profession. Y'know a lotta guys get insecure dating women who strip – they think we can't tell the difference between business and pleasure."

"Yeah, guys can be really thick and heartless sometimes," said Joker, nodding as he lit a cigar. "But then so can dames. This dame, for instance, that I'm talking about, the one in a steady, long-term relationship with this guy. Pretty good guy, too. Teaches her everything she knows, looks after her, buys her presents, and, I'm not gonna lie, quite the stud in the looks department."

"You mean a guy like you?" she asked, beaming at him.

"Yeah, a guy just like me," he retorted, nodding. "Guy any dame would be lucky to have, ain't that right, toots?" he asked.

"Oh yeah," she agreed, smiling.

"Yeah. You got good taste, sweetheart. What's your name?" he asked.

"Charlene," she replied.

"Hi, Charlene, I'm the Joker," he said, nodding at her. "But you can call me J."

"It's nice to meet you, J," she replied. "And I'll be honest, it's nice to talk to you. So many guys just come in here wanting me to take my top off. It's nice to speak to a guy with a little more substance."

"Yeah, that's what I got, toots," he said, nodding. "I got substance. I got it all, the whole package. I ain't insecure, not me, not one bit."

"No, I don't know why you would be," she replied as he puffed his cigar again.

"So anyway, this dame, the one in the long-term relationship, all of a sudden stops calling this guy," he continued. "Now, he ain't an insecure guy and all, but he can't help but think that means something, since she was so eager to call him before. He can't help but worry a little, that maybe she's learned to cope without him and don't need him no more. That ain't crazy, is it, Charlene?"

"No, not at all," she replied.

"I mean he's a real committed guy," he continued. "Don't even look at other women. Not interested at all. So you think she could at least return the favor. But that's dames for you – bunch of shallow, self-absorbed, heartless little ingrates," he muttered. "Present company excepted, I'm sure, sweetheart."

"Well, you know what I think, J?" she asked.

"I'm anxious to hear what I'm sure will be a stroke of genius, toots," he retorted.

"Well, I just think if you were missing her, maybe you could call her," she said. "Y'know girls like to feel that they're needed by the guys they're with too. It ain't just a one way street."

"Woah, woah, woah, nobody ever said anything about the guy missing the gal!" said Joker. "He don't need her! She's a useless little waste of space, and he don't miss her! He just thinks that she should miss him, because that's what she does!"

"But…why wouldn't she expect the feeling to be reciprocated?" asked Charlene, puzzled.

"Because she don't! Because that's not the way we work! Jesus, why can't anyone understand that?" he snapped. "I understand _us_, I just don't understand her sometimes! Because you're all alike, crazy and unpredictable! Although I got stuck with one who's a lot more crazy and unpredictable than usual!"

He puffed angrily on his cigar. "Look, sweetheart, why don't you just beat it? I ain't interested in paying to have you take your clothes off. Here's two hundred bucks, why don't you take the rest of the night off?" he said, handing her a wad of bills. "And spread the word to the other dames that I don't wanna be disturbed."

"Oh…sure thing, J," she said, taking the money and rising. "Um…thanks."

She turned to go, and then turned back. "Um…for what it's worth, I do think any gal would be lucky to have you."

He reached into his pocket for his phone, throwing it at her. "Dial the first number and tell that to the worthless brat, if she picks up the phone," he retorted. "Now get lost."

Charlene left him alone, smoking angrily and glaring at the table. "What's a nice clown like you doing in a place like this?" murmured a voice as a woman approached him.

"Beat it, toots, I ain't in the mood for…" he began, but then he looked up and his jaw dropped in astonishment. "Harley?" he stammered. "What…are you doing here?"


	5. Chapter 5

She slapped him hard across the face. "What am _I _doing here?" she repeated, furiously. "What are _you _doing in a strip club, Mr. J?!"

"It's not what you think, baby, Harvey and me…" he began, but she slapped him again.

"If Harvey was gonna jump off a bridge, would you?" she demanded.

"Well…maybe. If it was a good gag…" he began. She slapped him again.

"This ain't a good gag, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "And just because Harvey does it don't make it right! Harvey's single! You're in a committed relationship with an incredible gal, and you shouldn't wanna see other women strip off! You should have politely explained that to him, rather than letting him peer pressure you into coming here! I'm surprised at you! I always thought you were stronger than that, better than that! But I can't say I'm really surprised because all men are the same! Bunch of selfish creeps so self-absorbed that they don't care whose feelings they hurt as long as they're satisfied! I hate you, Mr. J! You're a monster, and I hate you! I hate you!"

She was about to run off sobbing, when he grabbed her arm and slapped her hard. "Now you listen to me, you little brat!" he hissed, seizing her by the shoulders. "I won't take being criticized by the likes of you! I'll go where I wanna and do what I wanna whenever I wanna, you get me?! And you're a stupid, insecure little broad who don't know me at all if you think I went here because I wanna see women strip off! I don't even wanna watch you strip off most of the time! Harvey and me ducked in here to get away from the guys chasing us from the casino, who wanted my blood because I shot a hooker who tried to get too friendly with me! You hear that, you dumb blonde?! I'm in trouble because I refused another woman! I'm here because of you, you useless waste of space! It's your fault, all of this, your fault as usual! And if this is the way you're gonna act in a situation that you created, then next time I'm just gonna accept the hooker's offer! Would you like that, you little brat?! Would that make you happy, if I cheated on you?! That's clearly what you're expecting, or you wouldn't overreact like this! I dunno why you'd come all this way to spy on me if you trusted me and didn't think I was up to no good! I dunno why I shouldn't satisfy your expectations! You clearly wanna hate me, so hate me! God knows I hate you, Harley, you irritating, stifling, annoying, worthless woman!"

She stared at him, slowly processing everything he had said. "You mean you didn't…you ain't here for…you…"

"No! So I hope you feel really stupid coming all this way just to catch me in the act!" he snapped.

"I didn't come all this way to catch you in the act!" she shouted. "I came all this way because I missed you!"

"Yeah?" he snapped.

"Yeah, you big jerk!" she shrieked. "But you always gotta be paranoid and assume the worst, doncha, Mr. J?! Don't you trust me at all?!"

"This ain't about me not trusting you, it's about you not trusting me!" he shouted. "Don't try to shift the blame, Harley, or change the subject!"

"I ain't changing the subject!" she shouted. "And I ain't done anything to be blamed for! I don't think any dame who found her boyfriend in a strip club would just assume he didn't wanna be there!"

"And is that what you've become?!" he demanded. "Just any dame?! I always thought you were special, Harley!"

She stared at him. "Yeah?" she snapped.

"Yeah!" he retorted.

They glared at each other for a moment more, and then suddenly shoved their mouths together in a passionate kiss. "Oh, Mr. J," she breathed, drawing away at last and beaming at him. "I missed you so much!"

"As well you should, baby," he murmured, kissing her tenderly. "As well you should."

Charlene suddenly raced over to them. "J, you better get outta here," she said. "There's some guys out front asking about you, and they don't look very friendly."

"Thanks, dollface," he said. "Go and find my friend, would ya? He's pretty easy to spot – only got half a face."

She nodded and dashed off, returning a few moments later with Two-Face. "Oh…is this the gal you were missing?" Charlene asked, smiling at Harley.

"No, no, as I think I explained, Charlene, I wasn't missing her," said Joker, hastily. "It was just unusual that she hadn't called, that's all. I mean, if something had happened to her, I'd have to go out and break another woman's mind, and it would be a whole lotta work and effort, and I'm a busy man, y'know…"

Harley gaped at him. "You were…missing me, Mr. J?" she gasped, adoration in her eyes.

"No, I didn't say that, did I?! Jesus, why can't women listen?!" snapped Joker.

"I dunno, puddin'," she sighed, embracing him. "Guess we're all just deaf."

She smiled at Charlene and mouthed "Thank you." She nodded, ushering them toward the back door.

"Well, see ya around, J," she said. "And take care of this one, kid," she said, smiling at Harley and nodding at Joker. "He's a real catch."

"Yeah," sighed Harley, cuddling into his arms. "I know he is."


	6. Chapter 6

"Ok, I think it's probably for the best that we skip town," said Joker, returning to their hotel. "At least until the heat dies down."

"I can't believe we come all the way to Vegas and gotta leave within a couple days all because you go and shoot a hooker!" snapped Two-Face. "You wouldn't even think that kinda violence would be unusual here! It ain't in Gotham!"

"Yeah, but they're a far more excitable people here than in Gotham," retorted Joker. "Don't have a caped freak in a bat costume keeping them in line. And I don't mind admitting, I am starting to miss Batsy. Probably best to get back to him as soon as possible."

"You'll admit you miss Batsy, but not me?" demanded Harley.

"Yeah, because I do miss Batsy, and not you, you dumb broad!" he retorted.

"Well, there's no point in going back to Gotham to see him, 'cause he ain't there," she said, folding her arms across her chest.

"What? Where is he, then?" asked Joker.

"He's here, somewhere," she replied. "I ran into him at the airport."

"You…did what?" stammered Joker, puzzled.

"I was going through security, and I got pulled aside because the metal detector went off," she said. "Probably because I was packing heat. And then some guy tried to search me by sticking his hand down my pants. Well, naturally I punched him and said no guy got to feel me up but Mr. J. And they classed that as some sort of assault and tried to drag me off, even though he started it by trying to grope me! Anyway, I was screaming and fighting and so they started pulling out guns, and that's when Batsy appeared and took them all out. He said he'd been following me, and I said stalking was against the law. And he wanted to know what I was doing in Vegas, and I told him it wasn't any of his business, but if he had to know, I was visiting you. And he wanted to know what you were doing in Vegas, and I said I wouldn't tell him 'cause he didn't need to know that Rupert Thorne had invited you to stay with him to discuss bumping him off."

Joker stared at her. "What did you tell him, Harley?" he asked quietly.

"Nothing! I said he didn't need to know that Rupert Thorne had invited you to stay with him…" she began, and then slowly raised a hand to her mouth. "Oops," she murmured.

"You dumb blonde!" snapped Joker, seizing his suitcase and throwing it at her. "Take that and pack! We gotta get outta here before Batsy comes!"

"Where you going, Mr. J?" asked Harley as he stormed from the room.

"To get something I ain't leaving without!" he shouted, entering the neighboring room. "Eduardo, where are you?! We gotta get outta here now! Eduardo!"

But his shout died in his throat as he looked down and saw Eduardo's body lying in a pool of blood. "Eduardo! No!" he cried, rushing over to the corpse.

At that moment, four bouncers stepped out of the darkness, all pointing guns at Joker. "Don't move, clown," growled one.

Joker stared at them. "You…killed Eduardo?" he stammered. "But…but why?! He didn't do anything! And the man had more talent in his hands than the four of you put together!"

"Just call it a little payback," said the man, cocking his gun. "And you're next."

At that moment, a black shape burst through the window, throwing a Batarang and knocking the gun from the man's hand. He then began beating the bouncers into unconsciousness.

"Oh, now you're here, Mr. Hero!" snapped Joker as Batman turned to face him. "Late, as usual! Where were you when Eduardo was shot, huh?" he demanded.

"Taking Rupert Thorne into custody," retorted Batman. "And now it's your turn."

Joker sighed, gazing at Eduardo. "Oh well. We'll always have Vegas," he said, patting him on the shoulder. Then he stood up, cracking his knuckles and grinning. "And at least I always got you, Batsy. Let's dance."

"Remind me never to go anywhere with you ever again," growled Two-Face as he sat in the back of the Batwing later with a handcuffed Joker, Harley, and Thorne. "This was meant to be a nice, relaxing business trip, and yet we end up handcuffed and heading back to Arkham. Why is that?"

"Because Batsy gets bored without me, just like I said," chuckled Joker. "It's why he followed me all the way to Vegas, ain't that right, Bats?"

Batman didn't respond. "It's fine – you don't have to say it," chuckled Joker. "I know you missed me like crazy."

"I certainly did, puddin'," sighed Harley, kissing him. "I don't ever want you to go away again."

"None of you is going anywhere for a long time," retorted Batman. "Thorne's going to prison, and the rest of you are going to be locked in Arkham indefinitely."

Two-Face, Joker, and Harley all shared a look, and then started laughing. "Yeah, sure, Bats!" chuckled Joker. "You keep telling yourself that!"

Batman ignored their mocking laughter, keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon. Joker chuckled, leaning back and shutting his eyes as Harley cuddled against him. "Locked in Arkham indefinitely, that's a great one!" he chuckled. "I give it a week."

**The End**


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